Life As I Know It

I've never claimed to have all the answers to life's many questions but I can give my insight on the things i have experienced in my 28 yrs on this planet. There are things in life that no human being should be subjected to but believe it or not I have been through them all. A lot of people have asked Nicole why don't you write a book or start a non profit organization. The main reason for that is because I have not completely closed the chapter of that part of my life. What qualifies me to tell other young women how to start the healing process if I haven't done so myself.

Its been about 13 yrs since my first traumatic experience and I think its about time that I put it out there and then move on from it. If I don't I'll just carry it for the rest of my life and have it affect my well being. But why start there i wonder in order to fully put the pieces of my life in order I must start at the beginning. From this day forth I will write from a chapter in my life that I need closure. I don't expect to find the answers but in order to heal I have to break down the wall that I built up and repair my wound, this is a promise I make not only to myself but to my daughter and loved ones. I will be a changed person and break the cycle before it even begins. Follow me on my journey and together we can learn.

Part Time Friends

One thing I will never get is a part time friend. Thats never been me and never will be. I'm the friend that you can always turn to in your time of need and when I need you the most I need you to be in my corner.

Let me give you an example of a part time friend. These last two weeks I have endured some serious drama (of the medical persuasion). I've had to go back and forth between doctor's appoinments and emergency visits. This one particular friend was aware of the situation and promised that if I needed him he would be there no questions asked. Fine thats great and all but when the call for help came he was nowhere to be found.
Hours after I left several messages for him, i get a text from him sayin "My bad I'm at the pool". What kind of shit is that? You got all my message and never once did you think to return my call.
The last straw presented itself on Saturday. This appointment had to be rescheduled so he knew two weeks in advance what was going on. Two days before the appointment ask him will he be available to pick me up, and this no good negro had the nerve to tell me. "Oh i'm goin to a wedding that day." What the hell? People plan weddings in advance, how in the hell are you just now telling me about this.
So alone at the doctor's office at 8:15 in the morning, everyone is texting me telling me good luck and sending well wishes. Nothing from this asshole. Its now 2 o'clock in the afternoon and finally a text from this so called "friend". I'm thinking he's gonna ask how did everything go, no its a fucking picture message asking me how he looks? Again I say, Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

I consider myself the kind of friend that will always be there for you, but when the goin gets tough, people show their true fucking colors. Til this day I have never heard the words, how was your doctor visit, is everything good?
So I ask am I wrong for feeling such hatred towards this person. Or is it justifiable. I say take a look in the mirror and tell me who wants a Part Time Friend? I know my answer is definitely, Not Me.

Free Your Mind And The Rest Will Follow

Okay so the year is off to an okay start but I refuse to enjoy a new year with old bullshit on my mind. I decided this is the forum to spill it all out.I have learned a lot of lessons last year and I feel like I need to share this one with you guys (or whoever reads my blog ). Lets start :

Friends
Not everyone you meet has your best interest in heart, some people are just selfish assholes who use you to get what they need out of life.
When I consider someone my friend it never crosses my mind to use them or treat them like shit. Case in point, I had a friend who is married we would kick it on occasion and go to happy hours, shopping, you know the usual girl stuff. It was great actually having a female friend that I can talk to and bounce ideas off of. Well little did I know I was the part of an elaborate plan.
I never understood why her husband would always look at me funny or be concerned when he learned me and his wife were going to hang for the night until it became clear that our trips to the mall, or happy hours was just a front to tell her husband she was with me and giving her the opportunity to flirt and fuck other niggas. Blame everything on the "single" friend who likes to party huh???
It didn't become clear to me until the unevitable happened and she sexed my friend on my bed right next to me. No shame in her game right. I mean they were two grown consenting adults but don't use me as the fall guy to your spouse. Ya feel me!!!
To me its a one time thing nothing to be worried or concerned about, but when that same dude starts poppin up in the same places we are at thats a red flag right there. To each its own cheat to your heart is content but keep my name out of your mouth and don't use me as an excuse when you get caught and hang my black ass out to dry.

Lesson Learned
Real friends come a dime a dozen and will have your back no matter what. But when or if you grow apart let it go. You've learned all you can from the situation and its time to move on. That is what I did, I never snitched to your husband about how your a lying slut maybe that was another friend. I bear no hard feelings or ill will but I can no longer look at you in the same light so I choose not to look at you or communicate with you in any way shape or form. Good luck with your life and I hope you learned your lesson that dick is not worth ruining a marriage. you have two kids now, try to be a good mother to your daughter and son and a better wife to your husband.

Friends With Benefits

So it has truly been a minute since I did the blog them but i'm bout to step my game up and you should be seeing a lot more blogs from me from now on. So lets get to todays topic- Friends With Benefits.

In this day and age it seems that people are more likely to have a FWB than a relationship, but why is that? I understand about committment and trust issues but aren't you trust and committing your body to this so called friend. I don't know about you but Friends with Benefits are much harder to maintain than a relationship. How can you give your body to someone but deteach all feelinsg for that person.
Hey but to each its own. I can't knock anyone that has an FWB (i've surely had my share) but is it wrong to settle for an FWB instead of just getting into a "typical" relationship?

Please feel free to share your opinions and any suggestions.

If I Had My Way

Okay so i'm back again I told you I was on my blog shit again. Today its not a discussion more like some things I need to get off my chest. So here we go.

I have always had a hard time expressing my true feelings, not sure if that just stems from my parents or the trauma I experienced as a teenager. For some reason when I like someone instead of me saying how I really feel I dance around the subject until either that person just grows uninterested or I talk myself out of what I am really feeling.

For once I would just love to go up to this person and lay it all on the line and see what happens. Is it fear of rejection or is that what I am feeling isn't really true. I mean there has to be some feelings you can't spend time with someone, be intimate with someone and just walk away like nothing even happened. I mean we speak everyday and everyday I tell myself, today will be the day that I let him know how I really feel. But by the end of the phone call nothing has been accomplished.

The best way that I express myself is in writing and I tried a letter but I can't bring myself to give it to him. So I'll lay into all on the line right now and hopefully he will read this (I doubt it)

I realy like you and the time we spend together no matter how short it may be it brings a smile to my face. I know you probably want to take your time and see whats out there but when you are ready just know I am willing and ready to take that next step with you. Hopefully you feel the same way about me and even if you don't that will never effect the way I feel about you and I will continue to spend time with you.

Why Do Good Girls Like Bad Guys

Guys have been asking this question since the beginning of time (or at least I think so) so here it is from my P.O.V. (Point of View) of course. Now some may disagree but I am one to give it to you straight no chaser. Buckle your seatbeats cuz we are in for a bumpy ride.

Question: Okay I was asked by a gentleman "Why is it that woman say they want a good man but they continue to mess with the "bad" boys? Okay women, lets be honest since we were little girls we were always told that we need to find Prince Charming in order to live happily ever after. Cinderella found him, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, shit even Belle turned her beast into a kind loving prince. But those are just make believe. Is there really a such thing as a good man. I mean don't get me wrong even man has the potential to be a good man but things in his life turn him in other directions. As far as women finding and keeping a good man well thats another blog ( coming soon). Okay lets get back on subject.

I'm not gonna speak for every woman because every woman is not as honest and brutal as I am but from my experiences in life, good men are hard to find. There is no perfect man out there each one comes with their own emotional scars and issues that they need to work through. For me I guess its easy to pick the bad ones because you don't expect to much from there. You know they are not going to hokd your hand in public, maybe they will caall you maybe they won't. You get used to routines, but then when you come across a potential good man you never recognize them. They usually aren't the guys that you expect. They are the guys that call you just to see how you are doing, or the ones you can call when you are having a bad day or because your "boyfriend" is being a complete asshole. We push these guys off to the side because we consider them "weak" or just like one of the girls. They hang around hoping that we will finally notice them but by the time that we do they have already moved on to someone else.

Many of us know who the good men are but they are no longer interested. At the time they were able to take us with our emotional baggage and flows and all. But now that we realized what we have passed on we beat ourselves up and just start the cycle over and over again, one bad guy after another. Eventually we will kiss enough frogs and finally find our prince. But only after we have come to terms with the flaws and bad decisions in life will we be able to live Happily Ever After with Our Prince Charming.

I just hope I haven't blown my chance with my potential Prince Charming.